Archive for the ‘Guest Review’ Category

     We here, in The ‘Stache, have been very busy lately and have not had a lot of time to get into the theaters in the past few days.  However, one of our readers wanted to share their enthusiastic views on the new film, “Piranha 3D”.  As a guest reviewer, the film will not be awarded a rating of any kind.  So thank you to our friend, Melissa Wermelinger for providing a quick and enjoyable take on the movie.

     If you’re looking for the best party on the lake with piranhas this summer, you’ve found it. Piranha 3D is a blast. The premise could totally happen. A tremor opens up the lake to another lake beneath it. This lake just happens to be the home of thousands of prehistoric piranhas… partygoers and Richard Dreyfuss beware.

      It’s spring break and this lake is packed with half-naked (and fully naked!) coeds. I wonder, how will the director possibly be able to fill the length of an entire movie with this one scenario? By packing it with as many exciting and creative ways to massacre a bunch of sinful little heathens as possible that’s how! And boy did they ever. I can take anything and at one point during the movie I was both horrified and laughing while shouting, “Oh my God! Oh my GOD!! No, no, NO he isn’t! WHY?!” And I’m an atheist.

     Great Scott! Is that Christopher Lloyd?! The cast was phenomenal. Jerry O’Connell plays a perfect scum bag. Ving Rhames plays the hero. Elisabeth Shue plays the butch cop you want to punch. That asshole from Step Brothers brings dry one-liners to the mix. And the best…..a guest appearance by Eli Roth! A most worthy kill!

     Carnage fans rejoice! The special effects and make-up were to die for (by little gnarly fish). As survivors were pulled out I kept thinking, how are those flesh wounds ever going to heal? Can a hospital even fix that?! I saw more bare-boned feet (and bare-breasted babes) than I could shake a stick at. And I saw more hanging flesh in Piranha 3D than I did in all the Jaws movies put together. The suspense and cheap thrill jumper junkies will not be disappointed either.

     Dads- bring the kids for the carnage, bring yourself for the boobs.

The views in this review are not those of the staff of; Movie Reviews, From Gene Shalit’s Moustache.


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