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Archive for the ‘1 ‘Stache’ Category

Movie Review by Matthew Schuchman- One out of Five ‘Staches.

At one point, I remember Paul Bettany was a promising actor. Now he just seems to turn up in roles as either a man of the cloth, an angel or a mixture of both. The films he plays these characters in, also tend to be very poor when it comes to storytelling and actual entertainment, “Priest” is no different. (more…)

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Movie Review by Matthew Schuchman- One out of Five ‘Staches.

Battle: Cliche’; that is the easiest way to sum up the completely unoriginal and painfully lengthy film that is, “Battle:L.A.” No amount of “special” effects and action can make me enjoy what felt like a sadistic roller coaster of mundane acting, sub moronic dialogue and the directors attempt to give the audience motion sickness. Yet, it will make money and people who like seeing things blow up, will love it. (more…)

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Movie Review by Matthew Schuchman- One out of Five ‘Staches.

When sitting down to watch an exorcism film, one should be prepared to deal with a lot of crosses and other Christian religious imagery and rhetoric.  Odd how it only seems that demons possess followers of that one religion.  When is Satan going to send a demon to possess a Jew, Muslim or Hindu?  Beyond the fact that “The Rite” was an overall mess of a film, the amount of religious diatribe I felt was being rammed down my throat really put me off. (more…)

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Movie Review by Matthew Schuchman- One out of Five ‘Staches

Comedy and being funny is a gift.  Taking the most foul humor and making it tolerable is an even bigger gift.  The makers of “Circus Maximus” are severely lacking these gifts and the other skills needed to pull any type of comedy off.

This entire film is just a poor excuse to have people curse and make the most ridiculous innuendos possible, for no  reason.  The story is worthless, the acting is horrendous and in the end it is not even funny.  The filmmakers were able to score a few indie darlings like Kevin Corrigan and Mario Cantone, but they did nothing to help bring any type of legitimacy to the film.

The only redeeming part of this movie comes in the form of the character Marc (Pictured Above).  The  only reason I am giving this movie One ‘Stache instead of a bald upper lip is due to Joe D’onofrio, the actor who plays Marc.  While his dialogue and insinuated actions are pure insanity, it was the only performance in the film that bought some sort of odd charm and actual humility to any of the outlandish characters portrayed within this farce.

There is no way I can find myself expanding on this film any further.  If you see “Circus Maximus” on the watch instantly section of your Netflix account, I would not stop you from checking it out.  However, I would avoid it in any other capacity possible.

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Movie Review by Matthew Schuchman- One out of Five ‘Staches.

I don’t know, if I were part of a supposed, “smart group” of criminals I would have stood up and said, “Hey guys, maybe it is a bad idea to blow up a helicopter we just used as an escape vehicle, about 2 miles out of downtown Los Angeles.  That would alert the cops who also have helicopters to where we are, right”?  (See accompanying picture). But no, the criminals in the new heist film, “Takers” do just that early in the film and never see one cop car or even flinch at the thought someone was on to them.

Like a lot of heist films these days, I am subject to watch a bunch of unlikable characters spend tons of money to pull off an elaborate scheme to get more money that I gather they will use on their next elaborate scheme, when they already seem to be so well off with whatever they have already made or can make from their legitimate businesses.  What is the point?  If you want to tell me a story about men who have to rob and steal for the thrill, then fine, but I wasn’t shown that here.  Instead I have to watch, Paul Walker, rapper T.I., Jedi Hayden Christiansen and woman beater Chris Brown, fumble their way through a disjointed and not so thinly veiled rip off of, “The Italian Job” with maybe two or three small changes.

The film also features Matt Dillon as the apparently troubled cop who is not so hot on the criminals trail,  in a role that just perpetuates his decline as a viable actor.  His side of the story features the typical signs of what we are used to in these films; dark secrets, a divorce, a child he can’t care for without dragging her to the station and an Internal Affairs side plot that plays out to a point, but has no actual weight to the story as a whole, and seems to be there just to make the movie longer.  There are other small sub plots throughout the movie that try to explain small events that help the plot move along that could have easily been explained by having one of the already established characters something they ultimately didn’t.  Ultimately, the movie is filled with tons of filler to make sure it is a certain length.  On top of this, too many questions are left unanswered.  Frankly, I don’t care about what the answers are; I would have rather spent the 100 minutes or so I spent watching “Takers”, taking a dump.

Now, I didn’t walk into the film expecting too much in the first place and I imagine a lot of people won’t either.  However, if you want to impress an audience, show them something different.  The makers of “Takers”, decided it would be better to just rehash so many formulaic pieces of every film out there before it and just hope that enough T.I. and Chris Brown fans spend money to see the film and rave about how amazing their acting was; and no, their acting  jobs were mediocre at best.

“Takers” is a lesson in how to make a quick buck in the film world, by being totally unoriginal. When the movie hits cable, I may watch it as it plays in the background while writing another review or something of that sort.  Other than that, I have no desire to have anything to do with this film and neither should you.  When August 27th rolls around and “Takers”, hits theaters; stay inside and find a good magazine to read while you hit the porcelain.

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