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Movie Review by Matthew Schuchman- Bald Upper Lip

Dear “Battle: L.A.,” I sincerely apologize. I know I was hard on you and maybe went a little overboard, but after seeing the new Zack Snyder eye candy flick, “Sucker Punch” you deserve an award. (more…)

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Review by Matthew Schuchman- Bald Upper Lip!

Since this is the first, Bald Upper Lip, rating given out on, The ‘Stache, let me just make sure you know that means; NO STARS!

“Twelve” is a movie about a drug dealer named, “White Mike”, (played by Gossip Girl’s, Chace Crawford) who is as sober as a 12-year-old, straight edge Minor Threat fan in the early 80(s).  He deals to uber rich teenagers in New York who think Harlem is scary and life does not exist below 58th street, unless you have to pass through to get to the Hamptons.   There is more back story in this convoluted mess of a film, but frankly, I feel ill just thinking about it.

The movie can’t decide  what story it wants to tell or even what point it wants to make.  The entire film is narrated by Kiefer Sutherland, because the story is so weak to actually have it played out by the actors.  If there was a timed gap of more than 3 minutes without hearing Sutherland’s voice having to explain what was going on in the story or in the mind of one of the characters, I would be amazed.  That being said, Sutherland’s voice was probably the only redeemable thing about this movie.

I felt like I was watching more of a glorified version of the, hidden rich kid world that most of these actors already over exaggerate on TV in the first place, and not done well of course.  I could not point out one good performance in the movie and even entered it hoping to get some surprising performance out of Curtis “50 Cent” Jackson, who plays the drug dealer who supplies “White Mike” with his merchandise; that didn’t happen though.  It was more laughable than anything, especially when he gently caressed a girl who had to bargain for drugs with sex.  The character is made out to be a very bad guy, yet he lets a 17-year-old girl talk him down from multiple sex sessions to one, for what was $1,000 worth of drugs; in real life the man would have taken what he wanted.  Now that is more the fault of the script and not the actor, but still, the performances were not good.

Beyond the shallow portrayals of shallow people, the film couldn’t even wrap up the story at the end.  There are characters whose fate are not only unexplained; they are completely forgotten, as if they never existed.  It was a sloppy piece of work all around and while I was never a massive fan of Joel Schumacher’s work, he has hit a new low with this piece.  If someone actually intended me to have any type of empathy or sympathy for these characters, I don’t know what they were thinking.  I also don’t like the fact that I am stuck having to see a movie about kids 16-18 years who act like they are 30 year olds.  I couldn’t help but laugh when the movie’s big morality speech, which made no actual sense, was delivered by Emma Roberts whom about 5 minutes earlier delivered the line, “So, is this where a 16-year-old girl can get drunk”.

“Twelve” opens in the U.S. this Friday, the 6th.  Do me a favor, if it is playing near you and you have absolutely nothing to do, DO NOT GO SEE THIS MOVIE.   Paint your room, shave your legs, make dolls out of paperclips, anything you do will be better than seeing, “Twelve”.

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